Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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High Streets That Fool The People Into Shopping

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

A new scheme has actually been intorduced here in the UK that turns old buildings that used to hold shops into buildings that look open and seem to be booming. The reason behind this is not to make people think the shop is real and try to walk inside ( I do love it when this happens though) it is to help the companies in the area to get business back on track.

As it currently stands at the moment the only place that it is being used is on one high street but it does seem to be working and it will then be deployed across the country, to fill all those empty Woolworth's stores I am sure. So what on earth is going on here?

A really simple poster is stuck on the window of the old shop window to make it trick people into thinking the shop is full of goods. It is very true to say that it makes the street look a lot more popular than it is and it almost makes someone want to shop in the area.

Everyone knows that the reason for massive high street failures like Woolworths was down to things like not managing their assets in the correct way, the millions of pounds worth of debt that they got themselves into certainly didn’t help either.

If you are worried about your business then look into getting asset management software or perhaps inventory management software as this could really help you when it comes to knowing exactly what is going on with your business.

Make sure that you do not go along the same way as many other businesses have done before you and look after everything.

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Vampires are Running the Government – Protect Yourselves Now!

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

I finally get it: Vampires are running the government. It all makes sense to me now. Have you ever seen more blood-sucking in your whole life? Not only do politicians suck the life out of each other, but they mainly suck it out of us, The American People. The blood, of course, is green, and is also known as our tax dollars and our earning livelihoods. Along with all this blood sucking go jobs, homes, health insurance, and The American Dream.
Quick, check your neck for puncture marks!

Against many a will, our Country has been led into two grotesque wars, one especially of drastic consequence because of the arrogance surrounding it, and the fact that it was done for no other reason than to get oil. Our Country went to war under false pretenses based on lies, in the first-ever preemptive attack on another nation. Yes, it’s all about blood and money, two terms that are synonymous as far as most of us are concerned.

But wait, there’s more. Who’s bailing out the gigantic “too-big-to-fail” banks, the insurance giants and car makers? On the surface, it’s the government. But in reality, it’s you and me. Talk about hearing that giant sucking sounds deafening our eardrums. There’s a whole lotta blood letting goin’ on (I can hear Jerry Lee Lewis pounding on a grand piano in the background with an updated version of his classic rock-and-roller).

I’m almost betting there are very few mirrors in Washington. You know they’re the anti-vampire, and I doubt most politicians would dare risk looking into one, lest they see they are transparent and soulless. I would think there’s not much garlic eaten in D.C., or other herbs such as vervain, hawthorne or wild rose. You’re not gonna see a preponderance of crucifixes, rosaries or holy water near these “Vampiriticians” (combining “vampire” with “politician”) either.

You might want to think seriously about Vampiratician protection for your own well-being as well as that of your family. Though I fear it may be too late, it couldn’t hurt to stock up on the aforementioned protective items. While the black cat is already out of the bag, it still couldn’t hurt to be prepared for the next suck-fest that will likely be upon us in the very near future.

The Spirit of Dracula is alive and well in the dank, dark bowels of Congress, and there’s almost nothing we can do about it, save donning our protective anti-vampirian novelties. And, I’d suggest we do that right now.

Oh, and check your neck for puncture marks again, and, often.

Got vampires?  If you’re a fan of the hit TV drama ‘The Vampire Diaries’ from the CW network, no doubt you’ve heard of vervain.  Protect yourself from vampires.  Buy Vervain here.

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Really Bad Flying Attempts

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

There have been many failed attempts at flying? People try to fly all of the time using crazy new ideas, some of them work of course, while others wouldn't work even with a plane thrown in.

Icarus

Although this one is off course just a myth it is still a pretty stupid idea. Flying high into the air with only wax to hold the wings together wasn’t the best of ideas in the world. Of course his father did say that he shouldn't go up too high, but did he listen, of course not. Certainly a bad attempt at flying.

The Ceiling Fan Man

There was a guy (from the US of course) that actually tried to fly by parting together parts from a ceiling fan and mixing together parts from a humidifier and dehumidifier and tried to fly by jumping out of his bedroom window. So what happened to this guy, well after jumping out of his window he landed in his front garden and broke his arm, the ceiling fan also penetrated his leg, ouch.

Balloons

This method has featured in many things and the most recent has to be Pixar's 2009 film UP where an entire house is lifted up by a lot of balloons.

To lift a house it would take millions upon millions of balloons but it would certainly work, it has to be tested soon surely.

Of course there have been many crazy attempts on flying that have actually worked just like the balloon one. The craziest yet most important one was the worlds first ever flight. Without this event there would not be a chance that we would be able to fly all around the world as we do today.

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How to Get Kicked Out of Wal-Mart Forever

Monday, February 1st, 2010

We hope you enjoyed our ways #1-25 to get yourself kicked out of Wal-Mart so much that you just can’t wait to ready ways #26-50!

Once again, we strongly advise you to NEVER actually do any of these things, as you will get in trouble ranging from just getting tossed out, to maybe getting arrested and charged with vandalism, shoplifting or worse!! DO NOT EVER do anything on this list!

Ok now that we have that straight, on with the list?

26. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it
27. Open up random packages in the toy aisle then walk off. If an employee asks what you’re doing, just say “I changed my mind.”
28. Run all over the store in just a bathing suit whilel singing "Surfin USA" by the Beach Boys
29. Say things like, “Would you be as kind so to direct me to your Twinkies?”
30. If an employee comes within 30 ft scream “GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” Then run out of the store screaming
31. Walk up to an employee and ask questions like how come this store is called wal mart? Or what’s up with your hair? Why do you people wear name tags can’t you all remember your own names?
32. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles
33. Glare menacingly at anyone who comes within 40 ft of you. Then hiss like a snake and act like you’re going to bite them.34. Throw a fake rubber snake into some lady’s face and watch her freak out
35. Squeeze their legs and either sing, “I like to move it, move it! Or say “You got chicken legs!”
36. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
37. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room
38. Bring your pet pit-bull into Wal-mart. Act casual. If someone is brave enough to walk up to you and tell you to get out, simply reply “He’s going to help me pick out his favorite dog food”

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39. TP as much of the store as possible
40. Whenever you hear a voice saying, clean up etc fall to the ground sobbing screaming the voices!! Then get back up & act normal
41. Dress up in a trench coat & wear sunglasses. Walk up to someone browsing and say “The rooster is in the nest” Wait for a reply. After they finish talking, hand them a cap gun and whisper "use this wisely.”
42. Go to the music aisle and start singing horrible karaoke
43. Walk along look at someone giggle at them & say to no one… I know I know… hehehe keep doing it until they give you a weird look & walk off
44. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day
45. Go in to the camping department and enter a tent then tell random customers that they can come in if they bring a pillow from the bedding department
46. Start broadcasting commercials for K-Mart on the store intercom system
47. Go up to the bagel section with cream cheese all over your face. Then start chanting, “We love bagels! We love bagels!”
48. Over the intercom say there is a big sale on all items in electronics department and first 10 people to the check outs gets one item free… & see what happens
49. Randomly start putting different size undergarments in people’s carts
50. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners

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There Will Be Christmas This Year! Santa’s Cookie Problem Solved

Monday, December 28th, 2009

All 192 members of the United Nations meet under an emergency meeting to come together so that there would be a Christmas this year. Leaders from around the world showed up in support of Santa Claus, so that the children would have Christmas this year. It was a suspense filled event that brought promise of world peace in the future. Leaders from China, North Korea, South Korea, The Russian Federation, and Britain sat at the same table without throwing food at each other. This emergency meeting took place on Oahu.

This Christmas disaster started earlier in the week after Santa Claus went out of the North Pole in the dead of night. This was done in a bid to save himself from US forces that were amassing along the boarder of the pole. They were getting ready to storm the North Pole and take over operations. It seems Santa had a cookie problem that not only caused him health problems, but put the First Bank of the North Pole into insolvency. Money was taken from a bail out package the Obama administration had loaned Santa. This was not a large sum, ,782.13, but Santa just couldn’t come up with the cash. When Santa realized he would not be able to pay back the money in full and on time, the stress was too much and he skipped town.

It is now known that Santa Claus was in a Caribbean island rehabilitation center receiving help for his food issues. Doctors worked around the clock to help Santa with his dietary regimen. Santa was put on a diet of carrot sticks and celery juice. This seemed to do the trick. Santa can now have cookies and milk, just in moderation and low-fat is better. Santa said, with a wink, he will stick to this diet as best as he can.

It has also taken a monetary toll on the North Pole finances. One elf, on condition of not being named, said that Santa was spending close to dollars a day on cookies and milk. Over time this put the budget at the North Pole bank into a major deficit. President Obama made a secret deal to bail out Santa and his elfs with money taken from the bailout package. It is reported in return Santa would give the President’s children extra presents on Christmas. Santa was supposed to have this money paid back before December First and could not. The high blood pressure and diabetes combined with the stress of not being able to pay the government back on time is thought to be what caused this massive case of angina.

Jokes give us a chance to take the most awful and terrible things in life and turn them into absurdities. When someone tells a racist joke, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a racist. When someone tells a perverted joke, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they subjugate women or are incapable of love. And when someone tells a dead baby joke, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they hate babies, dead or alive. (After all, they’re so delicious!) After all, asking why a chicken crossed a road doesn’t mean that that person loves or hates chickens or roads. Nor does telling a knock-knock joke mean that the person loves or hates doors, knocking, or idiots.

So, why are jokes funny? Does it really matter? Does anyone really care? Is anyone still reading this?

All I can say is that all jokes are funny to someone and aren’t funny to others. For some people, offensive jokes aren’t personally offensive at all but are just an absurd string of words. For others, chickens on the road, people knocking on doors, priests walking into bars, and blonde people are hilarious. No matter where your humor lies in the comedy spectrum, don’t look down on those who don’t laugh when you do. If you do, you may actually find yourself to be the butt of a joke that makes you out to be the stinker.

Author Verónica Carrillo
Trabajar es fácil si sabes como

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Best 25 Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of Wal-Mart

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

It’s all the rage these days to make goofy websites about Wal-Mart, and one of the newest is a list of ways to get yourself kicked out of one. There are hundreds of ways we have thought of to have some fun getting kicked out of your local Wal-Mart; here are ways number 1 through 25!

I would highly suggest that you do not attempt any of these ways to get tossed out of any store! Many of them will cause you to be arrested and charged with vandalism, theft or something else and are just plain bad ideas to do for real.

If you attempt any of the items listed below, you do so at your own risk!

1. Swap items from one strangers cart with items in another strangers cart
2. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment
3. Bonk a stranger (gently!) with a big hunk of ham
4. Go up to some old geezer & say “Grandpa!!! You’re ALIVE!!! It’s AMAZING!!!” etc.
5. Take something from someone else’s cart, when they say “hey, that’s mine!" call for security and tell them the other person was going to take your …
6. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
7. Hide inside one of those big round clothes racks and jump out at people yelling “BOO!!!”
8. Go into the dressing room, wait a few minutes, then yell “THERES NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!”
9. Get a batman costume, put it on, and run around the store screaming at the top of your lungs, “COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!”
10. Hide between clothing and then jump out and yell “PICK ME”
11. When an employee asks if they can help you, start sobbing and ask them “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
12. Block the toy isle with a huge battle of G.I. Joes vs. X-men
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13. Hide out inside a clothing rack. As someone passes close to you, quickly reach into their cart, take something out and put it in your cart
14. Pickup a guitar and play "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones in a very loud voice
15. Grab an armful of bags of candy and dump them into other peoples carts
16. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
17. Go up to an employee and in a official tone say “code three in house ware” and see what happens
18. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department
19. Challenge other customers to sword duels with tubes of gift wrap
20. Set up a concert of singing hamster dolls. Get a few people and everyone turns them on at once. Then start to act like you’re the conductor
21. Ask various employees for non-existant items or made up products, i.e.”Where is the canned steam?”
22. Open packs of yugioh cards and challenge random people to a duel!
23. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation
24. Tape a walkie-talkie to the back of a Barbie doll and say to random people, “I know where you live…”
25. Attempt to drown yourself in a kiddy pool…
* Did you get tossed out yet and land on your cell phone or camera and break it? Get your Canon digital camera repair for an affordable price and get back in the game!

Hope you enjoy the list! This is for entertainment purposes only, NEVER do anything on this list for real.

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Bumper Sticker Maniac – It’s Fun to Get Weird, Part Three

Saturday, December 5th, 2009

Can’t help myself. Here’s Part Three from my “8-Billion Lines” collection:

* Just say no to hedge funds.

* I collect insect wings.

* …from my cold dead roach clip.

* Can’t a guy get a little nose tattoo without being ridiculed?

* Don’t worry ’bout me, I always look like death warmed over.

* When I get cash from my bank, I take it in singles.

* Can’t stop getting married? Phone the Nuptialholics Hotline: 1-555-No2Vows

* It finally happened: the dog really did eat my homework!

* Lost your house? Ask the doctor about “Foreclozapine.”

* I don’t smoke pot because it’s illegal. I get drunk and violent instead.

* Got Erectile Dysfunction? Me, either.

* Ban talking baby commercials.

* If I appear to be staring at you, please look the other way.

* Decriminalize caffeine. Oh, it already is?

* I will relocate your car for free.

* Make love, not casseroles.

* I actually live in a glass house, yet I throw stones anyway.

* Live in the present moment. Then, ditch the motha’ for a happier time.

* I meditate once a month.

* Please don’t mistake my aggressive driving for not caring.

* I worry for a living.

* Cleavage Investigator

* I’ll exercise when someone pays me for it.

* Only wear fur where it’s not visible. There are lots of options.

* I recycle my thoughts.

* Times are so tough, we planted a garden, but the damn money just won’t come up.

* I’ve turned my home into a thrift store. Need anything?

* The dog ate my Viagra. God, it’s been a long week.

* I’m not bored. I always wrap my house in duct tape.

* All we have to fear is foreclosure itself.

* I don’t smoke it, but legalize it anyway.

* If you can read this, you’re one step ahead of me.

* I’ve got my puppy paper-trained: he will never go where there’s paper.

* At least I drive my SUV with a bike on the back.

* I just coughed up my wedding ring!

* Snack Food Vendors for Legalizing Marijuana

* People for the Ethical Treatment of Locusts

* I just got a great deal on homeowner’s asteroid insurance.

* Why don’t motorcycles have seat belts?

* I can’t leave the house in case the Prize Patrol comes.

* I love to do Sudoku puzzles and drive.

* Which one of you hid my keys?

* If the sea level rises, you won’t have to go so far to surf.

* Global Warming Advocate

* Don’t fear guns. Just wear a Kevlar vest whenever you go out.

* The plight of the polar bear might be ours, too.

* Baby, I’m shovel-ready.

* Wanna swap portfolios?

* Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be all right. Just not this century.

* Good news! I just found 7 cents in the backyard!

* How can I be so broke yet so danged fat?

* Thank God I stockpiled a couple a’ years worth a’ candy.

* Okay, so I own a Hummer. It’s still fun to look at.

* The ultimate insult: somebody stole my antidepressants.

* I just attended the funeral for my 401 (k).

* I love genetically altered foods. The human mutation possibilites are endless!

* Take a deep breath and count to ten. Then smash the coffee cup.

* I have finally let go of all my resentments. Now I have nothing.

* Will work for puppies.

* Weather is stupid.

* Have as many kids as you can. The food stamps are unbelievable.

* The dogs were firmly in control as they waited for their 14th treat.

* We’ve got the know-how, but do we have the “will-how?”

* I finally laid down the law to the Shih Tzus: “Clean your rooms!”

* Though I drive and text, I never chew gum while doing it.

* I smoke cigars at gas stations.

* Evolution is for the birds.

Grant Brad Gerver is a retired teacher and musician who writes on a variety of topics.  Have something to sell?  Get a free local classified ad listing at Filibi.com.  No extra charge for special features or popular categories.  Have more than one item to sell?  Get unlimited online classified advertising for one low price.  No final value fees.

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Bumper Sticker Maniac – It’s Fun To Get Weird

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

I’ve been a bumper sticker fanatic forever. I love reading them and more than anything, writing them. All you need to do is channel Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoon and go for broke: Here are just a few of the thousands I’ve written. Enjoy:

* Regarding life: One can only drink so much lemondade.

* Do dogs ever smoke after sex?

* White elephant seeks room.

* My retirement account has just been retired.

* I may not have a job, but at least I’m broke.

* Hedge funds suck.

* I’ll try anything to change my luck: like bleaching my black cat white.

* Republican’t

* If only I were a big Corporation…

* I don’t want health insurance, I want BEER.

* Will work for favorable Tweet.

* Dyslexics take it one time at a day.

* Due to football season, I’ve suspended my political angst.

* How about a government-sponsored Trillion Dollar Lottery with 1,000,000 $1,000,000 winners?

* Who needs health care? I flat refuse to get sick and die.

* Polar Bears Against Global Warming

* I’m cash-for-clunker’d out.

* As me about FREE paper clips!

* The Government has EDHD: Economy Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

* Why did my burger come with a statin-drug coupon?

* I am not hooked to a computer. It is hooked to me.

* Oh no, DUST MITES!!!

* Screw cash & taxes. It’s barter-time.

* Oh no, I’ve just been diagnosed with Economitis!

* Broker than broke, got no smokes, nothing to drink but water…

The new Everest: climbing Debt Mountain.

* I had a thong tattooed on me so I’ll never need underwear.

* I just bought my thousandth gun, and every one is loaded.

* Gullible and Proud

* Good news! I led a horse to water and it drank.

* All that obedience training’s gone out the window: I caught the Shih Tzus smoking.

* Peacemonger

* I’m gonna go ahead and declare bankruptcy before anything bad happens.

* My retirement has left the building.

* Have you ever noticed that dogs don’t give a rip about the economy?

* Stay-At-Home Dad (What the hell was I thinking?)

* Well, at least we’ve still got death and taxes.

* I’ve quit smoking. Now I just sit here and rot.

* I’d rather be working.

* Unbelievable: I like totally forgot how to write with a pen.

* Got my boy a mitt. He has no clue what it’s for.

* I left oxygen bottles and trash on Mount Everest.

* I shall eat red meat until they quit making it.

* Yes, I know it’s strange, but we’re vacationing in Pakistan.

If only I knew how to make money doing this!

Grant Brad Gerver is a retired teacher and musician who writes on a variety of topics.  Have something to sell?  Get a free local classified ad listing at Filibi.com.  No extra charge for special features or popular categories.  Have more than one item to sell?  Get unlimited online classified advertising for one low price.  No final value fees.

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Humor – 8 Signs Your Husband is Addicted to Sports

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Television Fights and Angry Celebrities

Back around 1960, I had cousins that lived in Wichita Falls, which was a real big town 19 miles north of Henrietta, Texas where I grew up.

Actually, it was 19 miles from Henrietta to Wichita Falls, but when you came back from Wichita Falls to Henrietta it was only 16 miles. The road signs said so, and they ought to know. For many years, I was convinced that if anyone could figure this out, it might prove to be a time warp, or perhaps the answer to perpetual energy. Now, however, I’m not so sure.

Whether 16 miles or 19 miles, sometimes my mother took me to join my cousins and their parents at Floral Heights Methodist Church in Wichita Falls.

This was on a Sunday.

Here are some of the ways you can tell if your husband is addicted to sports:

One: He starts talking about the upcoming game days before it arrives. He starts planning the event like it were a sacred holiday. He thinks about what he’s going to have to eat and to drink, both before, during and after the game.

Two: He plans out in advance exactly what he’s going to wear the day of the sporting event. He asks you five times if his lucky shirt has been washed and throws a fit if not and instead is lying in the dirty clothes basket. He can’t possible wear a dirty team shirt on game day.

Three: He’s so attached to his team that he not only knows all their names, but what the cars they drive, where they’re from, where they went to school if they’re on a professional team, and their pet dog’s name.

Four: One hour and fifteen minutes before the game, he opens his first beer and starts to pace. You even might see a bead of sweat appear on his forehead. An edge creeps into his voice and you know it’s not a good time to ask him if he put gas in the car on the way home from the convenience that morning, or tell him that you’re going out shopping with the girls. You know he won’t hear you anyway.

Bobby’s Communion Exprience

The boys, my cousins, were under strict orders to not talk nor fidget. And this was one of cousin Bobby’s first time to go to communion.

He walked down to the little place where you kneel to receive the sacrament. He kneeled just swell.

The first minister guy came around with the saltine cracker pieces on a very elaborate silver platter thingie, followed by the grape juice minister guy with a tray of tiny cups of grape juice.

Seven: For the next three to five hours, he yells and screams, curses the referees, the commercials, the cheerleaders, throws pillows across the room, drinks beer, eats every snack in the house, calls his buddies at half time if they’re not there, and completely loses touch with reality.

Eight: One week later he’s still talking about the game as if it was yesterday. That’s how you know your husband is addicted to sports

Resource Author Francisco Rodriguez H.
Todo sobre Juegos Mario Bros para gente que le gusta jugar
Trabajar Desde Casa es fácil si sabes como
Encontrar un Trabajos – Empleo es fácil si sabe dónde buscar

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Use Your “Clowning” Techniques To Catapult Your Business

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

 

Have you ever tried to watch a clown perform and it seems that you just can’t get enough of his antics, his tricks and his jokes and one-liners? You might have been wondering where on earth did he get those ideas and how fast those ideas get into his head? Maybe you have been thinking that you can also do that. Of course, you can and you can become THE clown once you learned how to be a clown with a little help from this book guide aptly called “How To Be A Clown” and you can learn how to become a clown in easy steps. And with this book guide, you can have fun learning becoming one the easy way.

But to become a clown is not just for birthdays or special occasions that will make you the catcher of attention. If you have your own money-making machine, do you know that you can utilize your being a clown as one of the best strategies to promote your business? Yes, that’s right. For example, you can expect an ice cream vendor selling ice cream to kids on the streets to catapult his sales to greater heights when he does his job as a clown. If you can just learn how to become a clown and you’re a real estate investor, for instance, you can dress like one and then show the prospective buyers around the property with antics and gags. And maybe, just maybe, they might buy the house because of that clown dancing in front of them.

So, whether you have your own business or not, whether you just wanted to clown around and be the start of any event, this book guide mentioned about is the best learning tool that you can have when you want to learn how to become a professional clown and with it, you can learn everything anytime and anywhere you want.

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